I recently found this in my diary and wanted to post it. Although it is not my reality anymore, I hope it blesses someone!
Have you ever thought about what life would be like if you let go of the fear of being alone? Consider those relationships you held on to way too long. Think about how you refused to release your children into the world because then what? What would you do with your time? How would you then define yourself?
Recently I was faced with such questions. I knew I needed to move forward from a relationship, but I allowed myself to continually get drug back into it. My children were all away in school but the fears I had of them never coming back home for the holidays or visits continuously reintroduced themselves. I even realized I was holding onto friendships that were no longer beneficial to me. After some serious soul searching, I realized I had a fear of being alone. The fear was not necessarily related to having someone present in my life on a day-to-day basis. My fear was of being forgotten. I was afraid of not having someone to check in on me, afraid of having to live in a home where no one ever visited, that people’s lives could and would be full without me. In short, a fear of not mattering in this world.
After sitting with that realization for a few weeks I then started to consider my options for overcoming such fears. I never want to make someone feel obligated. I want my children to want to call, want to visit me, not to feel as though they must. I want healthy friendships and even someday a partner, but I am not willing to settle out of fear that such relationships may never materialize. I decided to free myself of the expectations of others. I made it my goal to go out and just experience life. In short, I decided to make living a priority. For me, that meant exploring life, prioritizing my to-do list while working it, and then discovering who I was at that stage of my life. While prioritizing my life, I established my own action items, to ensure I mattered. I realized that I Mattered to Me and that was enough. I also realized that there was so much of me left to give to the world. I still had work to do, and for me, that mattered!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)
